I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
