If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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