someone threw a dead crab at me
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
