Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
