no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
