I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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