Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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