ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
