Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
