I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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