Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
