My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"