Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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