Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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