Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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