I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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