You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
