he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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