i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
