i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
