you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
