i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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