I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
