Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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