i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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