I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
