i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
