Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
