somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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