You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
