I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I skipped work to stalk him.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
where are you?
Hypothermia
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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