Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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