it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
