Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
