I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
