If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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