You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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