i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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