I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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