threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
