make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
