nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
