Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
