Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
