That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
