Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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