the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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