I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
