I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
