There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
