meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
